So what can you do about it?
As you continue reading this article I’d like to talk to you about:
- Your Relationship with Porn
- Why Your Wife Cares So Much about You Looking at Porn
- How You Can Stop the Divorce and Turn Your Marriage Around
- What Arguments You Should Avoid at All Costs
My goal is that by the end of this article you’ll know why your wife cares about you looking at porn, what you can do to save your marriage and how you can finally stop looking at porn all the time.
As you can see, we have a fair amount of ground to cover in this article, so let’s go ahead and get started!
How Would You Describe Your Relationship with Porn?
Let’s face it – The fact that you got caught looking at porn…The fact that this is even a problem…Means that we need to have an honest man-to-man about what exactly your relationship is to porn.
Many men have an addiction to pornography and masturbation, even if they wouldn’t admit it.
I know addiction sounds like a heavy word, but it’s important that you be honest with yourself during this phase…How would you describe your level of addiction to porn?
Read through the following questions and think about where you would rate yourself…
- Have you promised your wife you would quit looking at porn in the past?
- Have you made a distinct effort to stop looking at porn?
- Do you ever look at porn even when you know you shouldn’t, or that there could be severe consequences for it?
- After going without porn for a few days, do you start to feel stressed, anxious or ‘on edge’?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then there’s a good chance that you are at least mildly addicted to porn.
While there is much debate about whether or not someone can actually be addicted to porn / sex, to me if you can’t quit and there are withdrawal symptoms when you do try to quit, then that qualifies as an addiction.
Most men tell themselves that they could ‘stop looking at porn anytime’ when really they are much more under a spell than they realize. Are you one of those men?
Which of these best describes your feelings about yourself and porn:
- “I’m completely addicted to porn, no questions asked. I’ve tried stopping and can not do it.”
- “I really like looking at porn. I’m not addicted, but sometimes I look at porn even when I’m not horny…It relaxes me.”
- “I like looking at porn, but I can keep myself away from it for long periods at a time…I rarely mess up and look at porn.”
- “I messed up one time and it won’t happen again. I know that it’s my choice whether or not I look at porn.”
- “I can stop looking at porn anytime I want, but I honestly don’t see what the big deal is.”
Which of those descriptions do you think you fall into? Are you a complete addict? Do you just not care? Is is something you know you’ll get over with time?
An honest assessment of how much you need to look at porn will help you understand why your wife left, and it will help your wife understand why you were looking at porn in the first place.
Why Does Your Wife Care that You Look at Porn?
To some of you, this will be an extremely obvious question…However, I wanted to take a few moments to really put this in perspective for you, and make sure that you understand why looking at porn can be DEVASTATING to a loving wife.
What may seem to you like nothing more than what ‘all guys do’, seems to your wife like a deeply emotional attack on her self worth.
Let’s look at what your wife thinks about your porn habit.
Perfect Women, Perfect Bodies, Perfect Orgasms, Perfect Fantasies
Your wife knows what kind of women you’re looking at when you’re jacking off to porn.
She knows that the women are very fit, many of them with gorgeous breasts (either fake or real), and that these are women who are paid to look good having sex. She knows that women in porn can put on a show, and she knows that it’s exciting to watch.
When you look at porn, do you spend time looking for that ‘perfect scene’ that’s worth ‘finishing’ to?
Then you are spending time finding porn that meets your deepest fantasies (logically), and your wife knows that too. She knows that you can find things online that will never be able to happen in the bedroom.
Are you starting to see how this could MAYBE have an effect on her self esteem?
If she knew that you couldn’t help but look at these gorgeous women have wild sex with unreal orgasms, and she knew the kind of stuff you really LOVE looking at, would it surprise you to learn she was jealous?
Probably not.
She Knows She Can’t Compete
As I already said, many of the things that your wife KNOWS you’re looking at in porn could never actually happen in your marital bed.
You will probably never engage in threesomes, lesbian sex, interracial sex, teen sex or web cams anywhere but inside your own porn fantasies.
Your wife knows that.
She knows that there is an exclusive part of your sex life that she has no place in, and it drives her crazy.
After all, let’s face it, you’re not jacking off to pictures of your wife.
She Thinks You Value Her Less
It’s only natural to start losing self worth when time after time the person that you love can’t tear themselves away from what you perceive to be their ideal sexual experience.
Your wife knows that she can compete with the actresses and porn and she knows that she can’t fulfill your wildest fantasies.
This is all fine and dandy, but when you show her that you don’t have control over your own sexual urges, it makes her feel like she’s not doing her job well enough.
How would it feel knowing that your wife would rather get herself off, alone in a world of sexual fantasy, than have you, in person please her sexual needs?
Probably not very good.
When you keep choosing yourself and porn over your wife and your marital bed, it’s natural that she start to question where exactly she falls in your priorities.
She Feels Sexually Inadequate
Yes, when we have sex it certainly feels very good, physically.
The feelings of intimacy that you experience, combined with the gentle touch of your wife make for an exciting time.
But if you’re like most men, then another aspect of sex that’s very enjoyable is seeing what you do to your wife…
Isn’t it a huge turn on watching your wife worked into a frenzy, and knowing that you’re the one bringing her there? For most men, and I’m guessing that includes you, it’s extremely erotic to be one with your wife, and to find your own satisfaction in her satisfaction.
Well, guess what? Your wife feels the same way.
She loves knowing that SHE is the one that can turn you on. She loves knowing that SHE is the one that can make you squirm into an explosion of ecstasy. She loves knowing that SHE is the one you fantasize about, that you can’t wait to get into bed with.
But, when she knows you’re looking at porn, there is an ever present fear that you have found something more pleasurable than her. She’s afraid, and rightly so, that you can give yourself more sexual satisfaction by yourself than with her.
To her it doesn’t make sense to say ‘I love you, I just like porn, too’. That statement doesn’t compute.
She Suspects She Married ‘Just Another Guy’
These days one of the most common arguments that you will hear when a man is caught looking at porn is “he’s just being a guy” or “all guys do it”.
This is NOT true. Even if every guy you know does it, that just means you don’t know any strong men. Not everyone looks at porn. Not all guys look at porn. And certainly not all guys NEED to look at porn, or would choose porn over their wife.
Even if you think all guys look at porn, your wife was certainly hoping that you were the exception to the rule.
You don’t want to be ‘just another guy’ do you?
How NOT To Defend Your Pornography Mistake
If you don’t think that you should have to stop looking at porn, then you are certainly entitled to your opinion. I’ll tell you that I don’t personally agree with you, especially if your wife objects, but I can’t control your actions.
However, if you are going to try and be defensive about your desire to look at porn with your wife, here are a set of arguments I would advise AGAINST using.
Recommended Reading - How to Divorce Your Wife
These are the most common excuses men give for looking at porn…Some of them are quite pitiful.
#1. All Guys Do It – This is the most overplayed card in the book. I don’t know when this became an excuse, but it certainly should not be one. All guys do NOT look at porn, and even if they did, don’t you want to be separate from the majority?
Yes, a lot of guys have or currently do look at porn, but in no way should that have any effect on your own actions.
#2. It’s Just Visual Stimulation, I Don’t Love Those Women – This is another excuse that men commonly give to their wives when they’re looking at porn and don’t want to stop.
Of course, it doesn’t really make much sense….
It’s sort of like arguing that an affair is okay as long as there’s no romantic feelings involved…Would you agree with that?
#3. I Wouldn’t Care if You Did it – If you tell this to your wife there’s a good chance that you will do nothing but insult her. Clearly your wife DOES care about you looking at porn, and in her mind she probably views it akin to infidelity.
By telling her that you wouldn’t care, she’s just going to interpret that as you not caring about the marriage or about her own fidelity.
Don’t degrade the work your wife has done to resist temptation… Everybody faces temptation, you have just given in to pornography.
#4. It’s Better Than Visiting a Prostitute / Cheating – This is another argument that really just doesn’t make much sense.
Yes, looking at porn is not illegal, so in that regard it is better than going to visit a prostitute, but it’s also better than killing someone or child molestation or rape.
When you cheat on your wife, will you tell her to stop freaking out because at least you’re not addicted to crack? Or because at least you didn’t kill a hooker?
No! Of course not!
Honestly though, instead of spending time thing about how you can justify your actions, you would be much better served by reflecting on what is missing from your marriage or your life that led you to seek comfort in pornography. What's really responsible for divorce suddenly present in your life?
Did you know that you don’t have to WANT to look at porn? When things are right, both within yourself and within your marriage, there’s no need for porn.
Tips to Avoid Divorce After Looking at Porn
In most states, looking at porn is a justifiable reason to file for divorce. Really, there’s nothing you can do to change that fact.
But I know you, and I know that you don’t want to get divorced… I know that no matter how much you enjoy looking at porn, you love your wife more and that you’d do what it takes to save the marriage if you only knew how.
Well, I decided I’d try and help you out, because I’ve struggled with porn and I know it can be difficult to come back from. Here are a few things that you can try to convince your wife to give your marriage another shot.
Remember That Actions Speak Louder Than Words
It’s easy to say that you’re going to stop looking at porn, but unless you actually do it your words are meaningless. It’s easy to say that you’re sorry for looking at porn, but when your wife finds you are browsing history she’ll see how sorry you really are.
If you are serious about your marriage than remember that your words will only get you so far. Do you need to act like you care, and that means no more porn and yes more effort in your marriage.
Enroll in Therapy All by Yourself
If you really want to show your wife the you’re serious about breaking your porn habit and fixing your marriage, then don’t wait for her to tell you what to do, go ahead and enroll yourself in whatever kind of therapy you think would be most helpful.
Even if your wife says that she doesn’t care if you go and therapy or that she doesn’t want to, by doing it anyways you will show her that you’re serious about her and the marriage.
Don’t Make Promises You Can’t Keep
I know that this is hard to understand… I know that you would like to be able to tell your wife that you will never look at porn again… I would love for you to tell her that too!
However, it is important to remember that it will be more devastating for your wife if you make a bold promise and break it then it will be if you make a promise too small and fulfill it.
If your actions show that you’re serious about the marriage, and you have a plan to stop your porn habit and fix things with your wife, then explain that to her. Tell her that you understand you’re addicted, you understand that you have a problem, you’re seriously working on it, and you’re going to stop. If possible, set a date that you want to be totally done by.
What you do NOT want to do is promise her immediately that you’re completely done looking at porn, and then 2 weeks later get caught in a moment of weakness…
You’ll break her heart. Not worth it.
Offer to Install Internet Blocking / Computer Tracking Software
If you have betrayed your wife’s trust more than once, then this gesture could go a long ways to showing her that you’re serious about not looking at porn. Right now, to be frank you don’t really deserve her trust. Even if she hasn’t said this to you, I’d be willing to Bet that she is second-guessing some of what you’re saying to her regarding your problem.
Offer to install tracking software on your computer, and make sure that she is the only one with the password. This will let her keep tabs on you as much or as little as she wants, and it will also incentivize you to know that your wife is watching what you’re doing.
Remember That You’re Not Always Entitled to Sex
The biggest problem that I feel leads people to pornography, infidelity and many other sexual problems is an entitlement to sex. We live in a world where there is sex at every turn… Sometimes it’s subtle, sometimes it is blatant, but it is always there.
We have become spoiled with sex, and most people feel like it’s something that you deserve, not something that you earn.
So I’m telling you this – There WILL be times when you are not getting as much sex as you want from your wife.
I’m sorry. This world isn’t perfect. It’s just the way it is.
That does NOT entitle you to porn, or to the touch of another woman. It entitles you to be thankful for the sex you do have with your wife, which will in turn make it all the more enjoyable.
I Still Have Questions About How to Get My Wife Back
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Editorial: This article was originally published here (My Wife Wants a Divorce for Looking at Porn) on my website, Husband Help Haven. I hope you'll check it out there!
Well, we’re coming to the end of this article, but I understand that I may not have answered all of your questions here. Hopefully I got you thinking about where porn stands in your life, priorities-wise, and where it should stand in comparison to your wife.
I hope that you have learned why pornography is such a sensitive subject for your wife, and why you owe it to her to gain control of your habit.
Either way you choose to go from here, I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you get your wife to come back around.
You’re always welcome here on Husband Help Haven!
Thanks for reading!
Kindly,
- Jacob Elichmann
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